Again, my sincerest apologies.

If you are a Liberal or a Progressive — I owe you an apology!

Donald Trump’s election has been a momentous surprise to most people, especially the Democrat party, who will now find themselves out of their comfortable homes and on the street in a few months. Why they’re already acclimatizing themselves to the streets! They’re rioting, driving the last few coffin nails into the casket containing 50 years of progressive fallacies.

Riots are the ultimate cognitive dissonance. Rioters only have the vaguest idea of what they want to accomplish, and never have a solution to offer if given a chance to speak. But in the name of unity and compassion, and I’m a compassionate kind of guy, I would like to offer my apologies to progressive America in the hopes that we can establish a firm footing as we move forward together, embracing the future. Only through radical change can we accomplish the kinds of things that will make America truly great again.

Real change requires a real enemy and I fear that over the last 30 years I have not done enough to truly fulfill that role.  So for the sake of unity, I would like to offer the following apologies to progressives in hopes of cementing our differences and achieving true unity.

Since you have created a model of conservative America that is overwhelmingly hateful, dismissive and dangerous, I would like to apologize for my inability to be that person.

First, I would like to apologize for my attitudes towards, and my treatment of women.  There are many times when I have treated women honestly and fairly, according them the respect and dignity all humans are owed. I have even, especially when outside your range of hearing, (didn’t want to disappoint you!) advocated for equal pay, acceptance in our community and, yes, the freedom to do whatever they want to do with their bodies and the lives they may contain. I will work harder to despise and abuse women in the future, and will actively pursue any solution, however unconstitutional, to purposefully and selectively disparage women and prevent their ascension in America.

I will try harder to dismiss those who are clearly so inferior to me.  I will tell broken, homeless people to “Get a job!”, and will discontinue my donations to organizations that support those loafers. I will also grow lawns or expand the magisterial ones I already own so I can scream at people with baggy pants and creepy hair to stay off of them.

I have been lax in my hatred for those who express their sexuality in different ways.  I am truly sorry.  I realize that you have expected more of me in that area but frankly, it has been a little hard to summon a lot of hatred for a percentage of the community that is so miserably small that they make no difference to me whatsoever.  I will, in the future, try to beat up a few people I disagree with  here and there.  I know what is expected of me.  Your instructions have been clear.

I will also apologize for not being the Nazi that I am obviously supposed to be.  I will brush up on “Mein Kampf” and Mao’s Little Red Book, since they are basically the same, and try to adopt the kind of attitudes in the future that ensure the kind of class conflict you feel is necessary for progress.  I have not let go of the idea that my skin color grants me supremacy though I will have to admit a little backsliding in that area.

I would also like to publicly decry my apparent lack of ability to be, well, stupid.  I admit that my personal success has been gained by what must seem to be a strange variant of savage animal intelligence. My absence at one of your shiny new universities may well be the problem.  I promise that I will attend night school in a public (not private!) institution of higher learning, and concentrate on the Humanities specifically so I know who to hate and dismiss and how not to act when I encounter them.  Furthermore, I will attempt to diminish my brain by drinking strong alcohol or possibly learn to stomach Montana gin in order to burn off the excess brain cells that I obviously possess.

I know that I have not clung to my religion and my guns hard enough in times of personal despair, and have excused my behavior because of this thing called the Constitution.  I have been silent about my religion and the number of guns that I own.  I am ashamed.  I will immediately begin to wear my guns whenever I go to the grocery store and will actively and viciously persecute those who do not share my religious convictions. Expect crucifixion in the future, they are a great way to get the point across. And the fires at the bases of the crosses will only cement the idea that I am addressing my perceived ‘positive’ environmental credentials by increasing my carbon footprint.

I know this is only a poor start.  This list could be expanded to include the wearing of brown shirts and jackboots (personal apparel). Double lightning bolt tattoos are always a plus (personal appearance), as is paving the earth (private property rights) and driving poorly maintained carbon-spewing wrecks (environmental insensitivity). I will continue to try to identify these and other specific issues and work on them in order to be more hateful and despicable.  My goal? To be a TRULY deplorable person.

Again, my sincerest apologies.

Ps. Oh yeah, I know that outreach to at-risk populations is a large part of curing our common societal ills so I will immediately begin to bring fellow conservatives together and adopt a Communist-style public shaming and self-criticism process so that people can confess their weaknesses and move towards perfecting their hatred in ways that will fulfill your expectations of us.  Maybe I’ll start at my next Alt Right chapter meeting.  I know of some backsliders who could use a little de-sensitivity training.

Bruce Coe

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